The Creationists Might Be Onto Something
by Erma Bombast
I’m no scientist, like duh, but I think I have a fairly good idea of how evolution works, or is supposed to, anyway. Well, I don’t know about you, but I can feel the global vibration as Darwin spins at warp speed in his grave. Correct me if I’m wrong, but isn’t the continuation of any species ensured by, indeed reliant upon, the constant evolutionary culling of the herd? Survival of the fittest, for chrissake. Let’s delve a bit into the most recent history of our human evolution, shall we? Closer scrutiny might beg the question “How’s that Origin-of-Species-y, natural-selection-y thing workin’ out for us?”
Consider, if you will, the illustrious congressman, Todd Akin (R-MO). How fit do you figure the finally former representative is, when after determining the legitimacy of a rape and conferring with all those doctors, he concludes that the female body has ways of shutting that whole pregnancy thing down. And how naturally selected should we suppose were the brainiacs who, in their infinite fitness, decided it was a good idea to seat him on the congressional Committee on Science? You heard me. Science.
How evolutionarily buff do you suppose Congresswoman Martha Roby (R-Ala.) is? Ms. Roby sponsored HR 205, or The Geometric Simplification Act, which would have declared the Euclidean mathematical constant of pi to be precisely 3. Her bill came in response to data and rankings from the Organisation for Economic Co-operation and Development, which rated the United States’ 15 year-olds 25th in the world in mathematics. You see, since the actual value of pi is really, really hard to remember, Rep. Roby argued on the floor of the House, it would be good to just make it an even 3 and be done with it. We’re talkin’ Ironwoman-triathlete-fit here.
And then there’s Rep. Paul Broun (R., Ga.) who said in videotaped remarks that evolution, embryology, and the big-bang theory are “lies straight from the pit of hell, meant to convince people that they do not need a savior.” I didn’t need a savior before I heard him say that, but I can tell you I’m looking under every rock now.
I mean, seriously, how strong (and ironic) can the case for evolution be, exactly, if in the “debate” during the campaign for the Republican presidential nomination, the candidates were asked to raise their hand if they didn’t believe in evolution? This isn’t the election of 1860 we’re talking about. Those nine words were actually strung together in a sentence last year. And not to put too fine a point on it, but thirty percent of the candidates raised their hand.
Consider the appalling fact that there is more than one elected official out there who holds the unshakable belief that Earth is 6,000 years old and humans and dinosaurs co-existed. We’re witnessing, for the first time in natural history, proceeding hairlines.
Maybe it’s a good thing, this backward trajectory on which we’re traveling at the speed of light. Maybe way, way, waaaay in the future, when the Republicans figure out how to win the African American, Latino, young, poor, middle class, gay, disabled, urban, suburban, labor and women’s vote, we’ll all be mindlessly, blissfully floating through a primordial cosmic soup and from that celestial stuff a new universe will be created in seven days. Hopefully, the new Adam will be a Texan who can document the whole thing for the new textbooks.